It happened last summer. My husband had been doing some gardening and had left the kitchen door open for some part of a Saturday afternoon.  On Sunday, my husband left for a week-long conference in South Africa. This is really far away so he would not be able to get home quickly should an emergency occur. Remember this point. 

On Monday evening, I was watching television and something fast, small and black flew by me several times. I thought what is it? A bird? A shadow? Or … a bat.

It was late so I decided to go to bed.  In the morning, there was no sign of anything. So I forgot about it. The following night, I was in the kitchen. I heard something and went into the corridor to see what it was. Something small, fast and black flew by. It was not a bird or a shadow. I was now clearly sharing the house with a bat, who only came out at night. 

Now if you have read an earlier blog, you will know I have an unreasonable fear of bats. And I was alone. For a week. With a bat. In a phone call with my husband, I told him about the bat. He just laughed. It must have been the distance. It gives you a different perspective I guess. That and my husband is not afraid of bats.

Fast forward two days later. I had gone to bed but I had taken the precaution of closing my bedroom door. I was engaging in bat avoidance. At one o’clock in the morning, I woke up to sounds of shuffling and squeaking outside the door. I reluctantly got up, turned on the bedside light and slowly opened the door. The bat swooshed in and flew in frantic circles around the room. I started hopping up and down, screaming and waving my arms. The two of us were clearly freaking out.

Then the bat flew to the top of the dresser, landed and stopped moving. I could sense the tiny creature breathing. Suddenly I realized the bat was just as scared as I was. If I kept hopping up and down, there would be no way I could solve the Bat Problem. So I took a breath and started thinking. Our bedroom has a door to a balcony. Why did I not think of this before? I cautiously opened the balcony door and went downstairs to the kitchen to get rubber gloves and a broom. I would use the broom to fight back in case the bat attacked me (especially my hair). The rubber gloves were to protect me from catching a terrible disease if I had to touch the bat.

I resolutely returned to the bedroom ready to confront the bat. The bat was gone. I stood still listening. I knew the bat was no longer in the house. I could feel it. The bat had escaped through the balcony door and flown away into the night.

I have met bats before but usually there was someone with me to deal with the bat. My job was just to hop up and down screaming. This time, there was no one to do bat management but me.

So what did I learn? Unless there is someone actually coming toward us with an axe, most problems are much smaller than we think. It is the fear that paralyses us (or in my case causes lunatic screaming and hopping). If we can stop, breathe and start thinking, most problems will either go away by themselves. Or others will solve them for us. Or they can be broken down into small steps and, if not always solved, at least managed.

As for me and the bat, I lived and so did he (or she?). A win-win, as they say.

What makes you most uncomfortable about giving feedback? My clients generally say they worry about the reaction of people receiving the feedback, especially when they give what may be perceived as negative feedback. They worry about hurting people's feelings, making them angry or resentful, demotivating them. They worry about being "punished" for giving the feedback through sabotage, stonewalling or accusations of blame. They often wonder if feedback hurts more than it helps.

Now it’s your turn. The boss gives you some feedback, often not very clear. You tough it out, keep your emotions firmly in check and do your best to get out of the room as quickly as possible. Later you scratch your head about what the boss meant exactly and what if anything you can do about it. Often you ask yourself why hearing feedback is so hard.

In today’s environment, facilitating positive change in the workplace has become an essential skill for executives and managers.  Becoming masterful at giving feedback can make the difference between a high performing, highly motivated team and one that achieves less than its potential.  Learning to solicit and make the most of feedback about your own performance can accelerate your professional growth as well.  

What makes feedback so difficult? International leadership coach David Rock in his book Your Brain At Work (Harper Collins 2009) says that "giving feedback often creates an intense threat response" in the brain.  So it is important to create a sense of safety when giving feedback. How can you do this?

• Prepare yourself thoughtfully beforehand. Make sure your motivation is generous and your approach is respectful.   
• Understand that hearing any negative feedback is emotionally challenging for everyone. But trust that, unless the person has mental health issues, he or she is capable of hearing and eventually processing the feedback.
• Stay calm, patient and accepting, create a safe space to make any reasonable reaction "OK".
• Make it a conversation, invite thinking and insights from the person receiving the feedback. People are more likely to act on their own insights rather than your directions and advice about what to do about the feedback.
• Be clear and precise about what specific behaviour you wish to see. Do not attribute motives as to why a person is or is not behaving a certain way.
• Do not back away from precise feedback. The person hearing the feedback needs to know exactly what you want from them.

Knowing that feedback is difficult for everyone to hear helps you anticipate possible emotional reactions and plan for them. Another way to improve how you give feedback is to regularly ask your boss or others for feedback and practice managing your own emotions around what you hear. You can use yourself as a learning laboratory and observe what feedback practices are more effective for you. Chances are what works best for you may work for others as well.


 

As leaders, we are often reluctant to share more of who we are in the workplace for fear we will lose the respect of our bosses, colleagues and staff. We think we need to guard against people knowing too much about us so that we can protect ourselves from criticism.  All of us have seen the damage "oversharing" personal information in the online world can do to professional reputations.  

Successful leaders are seen as approachable and easy to talk to. They share more information and get more in return. They disclose some things about themselves because it is hard for people to relate to an enigma. They inspire trust and confidence because people know more about them. So what do you share and where do you draw the line?

I think you can share information about yourself, who you are, your personal history, interests and leadership point of view. Your role in the organization and your comfort level with the amount of information you share will need to be your guide. Talking about challenges you have faced and how you have overcome them can be particularly helpful in encouraging others to persevere in their own difficult circumstances. 

Where do you draw the line? You cannot share information about other people, including your family, without their permission. You should never share anything that would be seen as destructive to the reputation of your organization, its leaders and staff, including yourself.
 
Get To Know You Questions

If you are not used to sharing information about yourself, here are some fun questions you can answer and share and encourage your leadership team to do the same. They come from James Lipton, host of Inside the Actors Studio.  So you can get to know me better, I have added my answers:

What is your favourite word?  Stupendous.

What is your least favourite word? Booty (not the pirate kind).

What sound or noise do you love? Mozart in a church in Prague.

What sound or noise do you hate? Someone shouting in anger.

What is your favourite curse word? Bloody hell (said softly, of course).

What song/band/music you would risk wreck and injury to turn off when it comes on the radio?
Anything heavy metal -- feels like fingernails on a blackboard.

What is your favourite TV show? Mad Men, especially the episode of Zou Bisou Bisou with Jessica Pare

What is your favourite movie? Anything with Meryl Streep in it. Lately, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, both versions with Noomi Rapace and Rooney Mara.

What is the best concert you have been to? Leonard Cohen at the National Arts Centre several years ago as part of his world tour.

If you could have anything put on your t-shirt, what would it be? Tell me more.

What is your favourite meal? My husband's rotisserie chicken on the barbecue, fresh corn-on-the-cob and fresh heirloom tomatoes with olive oil, balsamic vinegar and basil -- and a good Pinot Noir to go with it.

What talent do you wish you had? To be able to sing.

Your dream vacation? An all-expenses-paid, personalized guided tour of the top wine regions of the world, one by one. It would take years.

What is on your nightstand? A lamp; a Chinese lacquer box containing reading glasses, hand lotion and the latest reading recommendations from the Globe and Mail; a kindle reader with many, many detective and mystery stories; and a picture of my husband.

Tell us something about you that would surprise us? I am a certified sommelier. I love thunderstorms, as long as I am not out in the open or on water, and I am terrified of bats.

To conclude, Brene Brown tells us in her blog, Ordinary Courage (see sidebar):

"When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make." 

Many of us want to become better listeners whether we are extroverts or introverts.  We often think extroverts have more trouble listening because they tend to talk more. But introverts too can learn to listen better. For them, powerful listening means engaging more with people, not just staying silent. Listening means understanding what people tell you and what they mean. It is also about leaving people feeling comfortable that they have been seen, heard and understood. In their book FYI: A Guide for Development and Coaching, Michael M. Lombardo and Robert W. Eichinger tell us: 

"Most people know the techniques of good listening: Don't interrupt, be able to paraphrase, listen for underlying meaning, be accepting of other people's views. The problem is we all listen well only when we want to or have to. What most need to learn is how to listen when you don't want to. Remember, listening doesn't mean you accept what they have said or even that you have accepted them. It just means listening." (p. 206)

Becoming a good listener in the workplace is essential to becoming a more effective leader. If you are in charge, it is tempting to think that your staff are there to hang on your every golden word. If being an articulate communicator has been part of your success in the past, it can be difficult to realize that you may inadvertently be taking up too much air time and not leaving enough room for others. If your strength is in being a quiet leader, staff may interpret your silence as judging them, dismissing their contribution or lack of interest. Without good listening skills, you may consciously or unconsciously shut people down and miss important ideas, information and signals about your environment. You may also lose opportunities to build trust and confidence between you and your team and with your peers. Leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith calls not listening "the most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues".

9 Tips To Become A Better Listener

1. Be a learner not a judger.
Stay open and curious when talking with others. Listen just as hard to people you don't like. Look for opportunities to learn more about people and their points of view. Separate the content from the person. You don't need to agree with them. You just need to hear and appreciate what they have to say.

2. Ask thoughtful questions and listen to the answers.
No one likes the third degree, but people generally appreciate someone who appears really interested in them. At work, ask clarifying, probing and confirming questions to gain more information and understanding of others' ideas. Listen to their answers without arguing or giving advice.

3. Stop beginning sentences with "no", "but" and "however".
Marshall Goldsmith says people "inflict these words on others to gain or consolidate power...people resent it, consciously or not...it stifles rather than opens up discussion".

4. Be patient when people are speaking.
Don't interrupt people or suggest words when they hesitate. If you are a leader, be particularly careful not to provide answers, solutions, conclusions, or dictates too early in a meeting. It stops discussion.

5. Take the initiative and engage with people.
Walk the floor regularly. Get out to where your employees are. Show genuine interest in their lives and ask them for ideas on how things can work better. Care about them and it will show.

6. Watch your non-verbals and theirs.
We often signal our lack of interest or impatience with our body. Do you roll your eyes, sigh, smirk, drum your fingers? Ask someone to help you notice your non-verbal signals. By contrast, watch others for their body language. It can tell you when you are talking too much or too little and you have lost them or when your message or tone needs to be less emotionally charged and more neutral. Become more of an observer of yourself and others.

7. Learn to give and receive feedback (see previous blog posts).
Feedback can be a powerful tool for understanding blind spots and making changes in behaviour that improve your work performance and that of others. Learning the most effective techniques for giving feedback can increase your chances of the feedback being heard and acted upon. Staying calm and really hearing feedback when it is given to you can point you in the right direction for your professional development.

8. Be careful of humour.
Humour can be misinterpreted and requires a deft touch. If you must use humour, avoid sarcasm and turn any joke against yourself not others.

9. Manage the conversation flow if you need to.
Sometimes others have difficulty organizing their communications. If they want to chat, ask questions. If people want to unload a problem, summarize what they have said and don't offer advice. If they are chronic complainers at work, Lombardo and Eichinger  suggest asking them to "write down their problems and solutions and then let's discuss it". (p. 208)  Finally, if they ramble too much, politely interrupt to summarize and focus the discussion. This is the only time you can interrupt.




 

I often hear people complain about their "difficult" boss. They feel victimized, trapped, angry and resentful. They expect the responsibility for fixing the relationship rests with the boss. After all, isn't it part of the boss's job description to work well with direct reports?  In their book, For Your Improvement: A Guide for Development and Coaching, Michael M. Lombardo and Robert W. Eichinger (p.20) say that, "Most people have trouble with about 50% of their bosses, so you have lots of company."

If you are in this situation, you have a choice. You can continue to blame the boss and seek ways to ignore or subtly undermine him/her. Or you can take the initiative to improve the relationship. 

Tips on working better with the boss

1. Find out exactly what the boss is expected to deliver and what he/she needs from you.

If you understand the organization's expectations of your boss, you can make it your first priority to help him/her meet these objectives. Bosses generally have greater accountability for failures. How bosses handle stress and pressure can vary depending on their experience and degree of comfort in the role. If bosses have confidence that you understand their obligations and are committed to providing support, they will be more likely to trust you, share concerns and champion your ideas.

2. Separate the role of the boss from the person.

You don't have to like your boss personally. But you do need to understand the role the boss plays in the organization and how best to support that role. Try to objectively assess your boss's strengths. Then figure out how you can play to those strengths and use them to help you get your job done.

3. Step back and examine your own motives.

Ask yourself what is causing you to have a negative reaction to your boss. Did the boss get the job you wanted? Was the boss once a colleague of yours? Is the boss much younger than you?  You may have some unconscious resentment that is getting in the way of seeing the boss fairly.

4. Seek common ground.

Even if your boss is a bad one, research (Lombardo/Eichinger) strongly shows that confronting the situation usually fails. See the situation as an opportunity to improve your conflict management skills and look for ways to find common ground. Those higher up in the organization may be aware of your boss's negative traits. Make sure you are not seen in the same light.

5. Get feedback from mentors and colleagues.

Ask those you trust for their perspective on the situation. Can they offer views on your strengths and weaknesses? Can they see opportunities to improve the relationship that you cannot?

6. Make the best of a bad situation and learn from it.

Dedicate yourself to doing your best to meet all legitimate requests of the boss. Do not get distracted by the emotional noise of the situation. You can learn as much about leadership from a bad boss as a good one. Observe the boss's leadership behaviour. Ask yourself what works, what doesn't and why. Resolve not to copy your boss's potentially career-derailing behaviours in your current job and as you advance in your own career. And remember that organizations are not static. People, including you, move on (see 7 below).

7. If all else fails, look for another job.

If your relationship with your boss is truly impossible for you to sustain, it is time to leave. You are responsible for managing your own career.  Work to maintain a reasonable peace with your boss and take the time to carefully plan your next career move.  It goes without saying that you never badmouth your boss to future employers.