As leaders, we are often reluctant to share more of who we are in the workplace for fear we will lose the respect of our bosses, colleagues and staff. We think we need to guard against people knowing too much about us so that we can protect ourselves from criticism.  All of us have seen the damage "oversharing" personal information in the online world can do to professional reputations.  

Successful leaders are seen as approachable and easy to talk to. They share more information and get more in return. They disclose some things about themselves because it is hard for people to relate to an enigma. They inspire trust and confidence because people know more about them. So what do you share and where do you draw the line?

I think you can share information about yourself, who you are, your personal history, interests and leadership point of view. Your role in the organization and your comfort level with the amount of information you share will need to be your guide. Talking about challenges you have faced and how you have overcome them can be particularly helpful in encouraging others to persevere in their own difficult circumstances. 

Where do you draw the line? You cannot share information about other people, including your family, without their permission. You should never share anything that would be seen as destructive to the reputation of your organization, its leaders and staff, including yourself.
 
Get To Know You Questions

If you are not used to sharing information about yourself, here are some fun questions you can answer and share and encourage your leadership team to do the same. They come from James Lipton, host of Inside the Actors Studio.  So you can get to know me better, I have added my answers:

What is your favourite word?  Stupendous.

What is your least favourite word? Booty (not the pirate kind).

What sound or noise do you love? Mozart in a church in Prague.

What sound or noise do you hate? Someone shouting in anger.

What is your favourite curse word? Bloody hell (said softly, of course).

What song/band/music you would risk wreck and injury to turn off when it comes on the radio?
Anything heavy metal -- feels like fingernails on a blackboard.

What is your favourite TV show? Mad Men, especially the episode of Zou Bisou Bisou with Jessica Pare

What is your favourite movie? Anything with Meryl Streep in it. Lately, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, both versions with Noomi Rapace and Rooney Mara.

What is the best concert you have been to? Leonard Cohen at the National Arts Centre several years ago as part of his world tour.

If you could have anything put on your t-shirt, what would it be? Tell me more.

What is your favourite meal? My husband's rotisserie chicken on the barbecue, fresh corn-on-the-cob and fresh heirloom tomatoes with olive oil, balsamic vinegar and basil -- and a good Pinot Noir to go with it.

What talent do you wish you had? To be able to sing.

Your dream vacation? An all-expenses-paid, personalized guided tour of the top wine regions of the world, one by one. It would take years.

What is on your nightstand? A lamp; a Chinese lacquer box containing reading glasses, hand lotion and the latest reading recommendations from the Globe and Mail; a kindle reader with many, many detective and mystery stories; and a picture of my husband.

Tell us something about you that would surprise us? I am a certified sommelier. I love thunderstorms, as long as I am not out in the open or on water, and I am terrified of bats.

To conclude, Brene Brown tells us in her blog, Ordinary Courage (see sidebar):

"When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make." 

Many of us want to become better listeners whether we are extroverts or introverts.  We often think extroverts have more trouble listening because they tend to talk more. But introverts too can learn to listen better. For them, powerful listening means engaging more with people, not just staying silent. Listening means understanding what people tell you and what they mean. It is also about leaving people feeling comfortable that they have been seen, heard and understood. In their book FYI: A Guide for Development and Coaching, Michael M. Lombardo and Robert W. Eichinger tell us: 

"Most people know the techniques of good listening: Don't interrupt, be able to paraphrase, listen for underlying meaning, be accepting of other people's views. The problem is we all listen well only when we want to or have to. What most need to learn is how to listen when you don't want to. Remember, listening doesn't mean you accept what they have said or even that you have accepted them. It just means listening." (p. 206)

Becoming a good listener in the workplace is essential to becoming a more effective leader. If you are in charge, it is tempting to think that your staff are there to hang on your every golden word. If being an articulate communicator has been part of your success in the past, it can be difficult to realize that you may inadvertently be taking up too much air time and not leaving enough room for others. If your strength is in being a quiet leader, staff may interpret your silence as judging them, dismissing their contribution or lack of interest. Without good listening skills, you may consciously or unconsciously shut people down and miss important ideas, information and signals about your environment. You may also lose opportunities to build trust and confidence between you and your team and with your peers. Leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith calls not listening "the most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues".

9 Tips To Become A Better Listener

1. Be a learner not a judger.
Stay open and curious when talking with others. Listen just as hard to people you don't like. Look for opportunities to learn more about people and their points of view. Separate the content from the person. You don't need to agree with them. You just need to hear and appreciate what they have to say.

2. Ask thoughtful questions and listen to the answers.
No one likes the third degree, but people generally appreciate someone who appears really interested in them. At work, ask clarifying, probing and confirming questions to gain more information and understanding of others' ideas. Listen to their answers without arguing or giving advice.

3. Stop beginning sentences with "no", "but" and "however".
Marshall Goldsmith says people "inflict these words on others to gain or consolidate power...people resent it, consciously or not...it stifles rather than opens up discussion".

4. Be patient when people are speaking.
Don't interrupt people or suggest words when they hesitate. If you are a leader, be particularly careful not to provide answers, solutions, conclusions, or dictates too early in a meeting. It stops discussion.

5. Take the initiative and engage with people.
Walk the floor regularly. Get out to where your employees are. Show genuine interest in their lives and ask them for ideas on how things can work better. Care about them and it will show.

6. Watch your non-verbals and theirs.
We often signal our lack of interest or impatience with our body. Do you roll your eyes, sigh, smirk, drum your fingers? Ask someone to help you notice your non-verbal signals. By contrast, watch others for their body language. It can tell you when you are talking too much or too little and you have lost them or when your message or tone needs to be less emotionally charged and more neutral. Become more of an observer of yourself and others.

7. Learn to give and receive feedback (see previous blog posts).
Feedback can be a powerful tool for understanding blind spots and making changes in behaviour that improve your work performance and that of others. Learning the most effective techniques for giving feedback can increase your chances of the feedback being heard and acted upon. Staying calm and really hearing feedback when it is given to you can point you in the right direction for your professional development.

8. Be careful of humour.
Humour can be misinterpreted and requires a deft touch. If you must use humour, avoid sarcasm and turn any joke against yourself not others.

9. Manage the conversation flow if you need to.
Sometimes others have difficulty organizing their communications. If they want to chat, ask questions. If people want to unload a problem, summarize what they have said and don't offer advice. If they are chronic complainers at work, Lombardo and Eichinger  suggest asking them to "write down their problems and solutions and then let's discuss it". (p. 208)  Finally, if they ramble too much, politely interrupt to summarize and focus the discussion. This is the only time you can interrupt.